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Friday, January 23, 2009

I wasn't going to write today, because of the way I'm feeling. But I remember a promise I made to write (cough*cough) everyday, no matter what

Today is one of the days I was talking about, I woke up sad. By the time I dropped Steven off at the sitter's, I was in tears. I didn't stop until about 30 minutes before work.

I don't know about you, but explaining what depression feels like to someone who doesn't suffer from it, is not easy. Make it your distraught husband who is suddenly worried about the number of guns he has in the house and it becomes a nightmare.

I was diagnosed with depression a long time ago, when I was still in college. And again when My father passed away.

Once when things got really bad, I packed a bag and didn't tell anyone I was leaving. I was gone for 3 days. Granted I was at my moms house, So I didn't disappear completely. But at my worst, I'd be driving and wonder what would happen if I just turned the wheel enough to head into ongoing traffic. Who would notice? Would it make any difference at all?

I felt that way again this morning, not with the ongoing traffice, but really who would care if I wasn't around. Wouldn't they be better off without me anyway?

I put a lot of pressure on myself to be strong. I hate feeling weak, of feeling incapable of anything. I've felt completely lost lately. Mediocre things have become extremely difficult for me to handle. I can't focus, I can't concentrate. I could be told something one minute and the next completely forget what I was supossed to be doing.

Maybe it's time to admit that Ineed more help than just allowing it pass on it's own. Does succumbing to medication make me weak? What do you think?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Two-Line Tuesday

Here are my two lines from Cry Wolf by Tami Hoag.

Behind them, on the banks, the weeping willows, boughs bowed as if by grief,and the live oak with their twisted trunks and gnarled branches, looking like enchanted things eternally frozen in a moment of agony. And from their contorted limbs hangs the moss, gray and dusty and tattered, like old feather boas left to rot in the attic of some long-forgotten,long-ruined mansion.

And my two lines:

I stared at the red angry wounds of my face, stitched together like some macabre quilt. My usually long, graceful legs encased in cold steel had been rendered useless.

For more Two line Tuesdays head over to the Women of Mystery.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Rush

So I've got this new story rolling around in my head...

And it scares me because, apparenlty I have great openings... I wouldn't know if I have great endings, because I've never had one... So I'm kinda reluctant to do anything with it.

But it won't leave me alone. I close my eyes and I see it.. I'm washing the dishes and its whispering to me.

Alex and her crew are missing in action right now. I try to think about what happens next and their off playing in the wheat fields...

And my hockey players apparently have a test to study for because I get shushed every time I try to hang out with them.

I think the answer's obvious. I don't hold the reins here people, I have no control. And she who will, so far, remain nameless is whipping me into action...

It stings a little, but I relish the rush...

Friday, January 16, 2009

Dollhouse

As you all know, I'm a huge fan f Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Firefly.

He's back with a new Series. I've been waiting for this for years and now it's finally here. Check out the new creation from the mind of what I consider sheer genius....


http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1554364106/bctid1554394250



First episode Feb. 13 at 8:00p

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Hope

After two weeks of moping around the house trying to solve the mysteries of the universe, I finally wrote down my feelings. I've felt much better. Of course it helped to see all the support Travis is getting-And seeing the cleanup process was extremely cathartic for me- I can't imagine how it must have felt for him.

So I've come from the despair that life can bring to realizing that the universe holds many wonders as well. Trouble may come-disaster may happen, but we clean up the mess and get on with living. It's people like my cousins Justin and Jason, My friends, John Paul and Crystal, and Sarah, and Sheila-Travis, and even people I've never met, like Tanis Miller who teach me that. May I have half the strength of any one of them if I ever do meet with adversity.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Welcome to the Black Hole of Despair

I've been dreading this post.

I don't know what to say. And what I do have to say seems so insignificant in the whole scheme of things.

I don't understand this life. I don't understand it at all.

I don't understand how one moment a man could kiss his wife and child goodbye and head of to work thinking everything was going to be okay and the next he's in a wheelchair, paralyzed and unable to speak. No longer physically able to pick up his child and hug her, or tell her that he loves her.

I don't understand how someone could survive the loss of their child (at 4, at 10-does it really matter?)

I don't understand how a woman can have so much love in her heart that she wants to care for someone else's child. I don't understand how her best friend could destroy that dream.

I don't understand how a man can celebrate his life on vacation one day, and the next mourns the loss of everything he owns.

I don't understand how I'm supposed to congratulate one friend on her engagement while consoling the other on an unexpected pregnancy termination.

I don't understand how I'm exempt from all of these things.

I'm a Cancer, so naturally I'm sensitive but I don't think anyone knows to what extend I feel these things.

I feel like I'm in the eye of a storm. I'm safe. I'm in my home, I have my legs, I have a husband whose never broken my heart... I have a son who is beautiful and healthy. And I don't deserve any of it.

I'm in the eye of a Tornado, but the wind is whipping me around, the debris is slashing me. It's cutting me to the bone.

Thank you, God, for everything you've given me. Thank you, God, for sustaining me, for protecting me-Thank you, God, For blessing me.