Yesterday I blogged about why I write. Today I'm going to continue with Castle's advice and write about what's holding me back. When i sat down to write, all I could think about were the excuses I use to get off doing any number of things, really. But especially writing. But my husband lost 100 pounds last year and I tell myself I'm going to do the program and then I just... don't. so "diet" and exercise are right up there with the writing. Add cleaning house and schoolwork to the mix, and these excuses pretty much cover them all.
I thought about not posting this. It's awfully personal, and leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable. But I remember, a post a while back where I said, I wasn't going to be afraid of vulnerability, where I was going to post how I felt, no matter what. And then I thought of the doctor's office. If you have something that needs to be fixed, they have to expose that vulnerable part of you. They have to reveal that weakness before they can fix the problem. So, I'm going to leave this out there, for the whole world to see. Maybe, if you know I'm having a hard day, you can send a shout out to me, give me a little encouragement. I could use all the help I can get.
Here's a list of things I tell myself at least once a day (Sometimes, once an hour)
10. I'm too old. Bullshit, I'm in the prime of my life. If I keep saying this, pretty soon I'll be saying, "You remember back in the day, when I used to write?"
9. I'm too tired. Yeah, and you'll still be tired tomorrow. suck it up and do it.
8. I'm too fat: To go dancing, To go to a party, to go anywhere where people might actually see me. To work out. Too fat to work out? Seriously. None of these make any sense whatsoever!
7.I'll do it later: I said that 2 years ago and I'm still in the same place I was then. "Do it later" is just another way to say don't do it at all.
6. I deserve it: I don't deserve to be thin. I don't deserve to be successful (Even if successful is finishing the novel, or losing 10 pounds, or finishing the semester on a high note...) I don't deserve to have the things that make me happy.
5. Who do you think you are? You'll never be more than this.
4. You are not smart enough
3. Not good enough
2. not strong enough
1. I just can't do it
Some of these things are easier to dispute then others, but I'm going to try to talk myself into things more than I talk myself out of them. Old habits die hard, but i have many that need to be put to rest.
So the answer to what's holding me back from writing (or workingout, or school)
Nothing but little ol' me.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
And now I have Jennifer Archer telling me what to do...
I think there is a higher power trying to tell me to get my ass in the chair to write. After Richard Castle so charmingly gave me the advice I so desperately needed, along comes Jennifer Archer. Here's and excerpt from her blog:
The thing is, I don't know many writers that didn't have a full load of other things going on in their lives when they started writing. In my case, when I started taking creative writing classes at night and began my first novel, I was raising two rowdy little boys, had a part-time job, ran a sideline residential rental property business with my husband, volunteered at my kids' school . . . and the list goes on. If you're serious about writing, you'll find a way to make it a routine part of your life. then she suggested a free write: Freewrite for ten minutes about why you want to write, or about what has been your experience with writing. What pushes you to write or what holds you back -- or both?
I used to freewrite all the time. In fact the idea for my novel came to me during a free write, where I wrote one scene, and the idea blossomed for me. So I sat down to write.
Something completley unexpected happened.
Here's my freewrite:
Since before I can remember, I have always had a nose in a book, but my first experience with writing happened when I was 14. I wrote a short story about a romance starring moi, and my crush- It was a hard core crush, too-but alas he only had eyes for my best friend. Isn't that how it always happens?
Anyway, I thought it was really good, but not good enough to show anyone. How embarrasing to think I'd actually be good at writing. I kept it for awhile but it eventually ended up in the trash.
I discovered poetry (ah teenage angst!) But I knew I could write and no one would have to know. I burned them when I was finished. When I was in college I used to make-up silly stories about my roomates. I joked about writing a story about us.
They thought it was great, I hid my terror of the idea byt saying "I was just joking guys, c'mon. I can't write a book!
I played around but I had no idea what I was doing and never dreamed I'd be successful. Then one day my dad found a piece of my writing. He'd been so proud of me for going to college to be a psych major, but he turned to me and said. "You know you can do this, right? This is really good. If this is really what you want to do- then do it."
A year later he was gone.
So, maybe this is why I write.
Because he said I could.
Happy Birthday, Dad.
The thing is, I don't know many writers that didn't have a full load of other things going on in their lives when they started writing. In my case, when I started taking creative writing classes at night and began my first novel, I was raising two rowdy little boys, had a part-time job, ran a sideline residential rental property business with my husband, volunteered at my kids' school . . . and the list goes on. If you're serious about writing, you'll find a way to make it a routine part of your life. then she suggested a free write: Freewrite for ten minutes about why you want to write, or about what has been your experience with writing. What pushes you to write or what holds you back -- or both?
I used to freewrite all the time. In fact the idea for my novel came to me during a free write, where I wrote one scene, and the idea blossomed for me. So I sat down to write.
Something completley unexpected happened.
Here's my freewrite:
Since before I can remember, I have always had a nose in a book, but my first experience with writing happened when I was 14. I wrote a short story about a romance starring moi, and my crush- It was a hard core crush, too-but alas he only had eyes for my best friend. Isn't that how it always happens?
Anyway, I thought it was really good, but not good enough to show anyone. How embarrasing to think I'd actually be good at writing. I kept it for awhile but it eventually ended up in the trash.
I discovered poetry (ah teenage angst!) But I knew I could write and no one would have to know. I burned them when I was finished. When I was in college I used to make-up silly stories about my roomates. I joked about writing a story about us.
They thought it was great, I hid my terror of the idea byt saying "I was just joking guys, c'mon. I can't write a book!
I played around but I had no idea what I was doing and never dreamed I'd be successful. Then one day my dad found a piece of my writing. He'd been so proud of me for going to college to be a psych major, but he turned to me and said. "You know you can do this, right? This is really good. If this is really what you want to do- then do it."
A year later he was gone.
So, maybe this is why I write.
Because he said I could.
Happy Birthday, Dad.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Richard Castle just gave me the best advice EVER!
As some of you may know. After my utter FAIL at freelance writing last year my writing confidence has taken a huge hit. I've been sporadic at best, and even when I've have posted something, it's... well... never mind. You can insert your own adjective here.
I've had a huge Writer's block for almost a year now, and even my attempts at trying to "get back in the saddle" have been pretty lame. My pens been quivering as of late, but every time I want to sit down in the chair to write, I either a) feel guilty for all the other stuff I could be doing, b.) decide that watching reruns of teen mom 2 is suddenly of dire import, or c.) start rehashing the list of reasons why I can't write, and shouldn't even bother.
I understand this is a problem. Even with people, my mom, mother in law, MY BOSS, telling me why I should just do it, I give the whole shoulder shrug and an "eh," in response. This may come across as me not giving a shit. But in reality its my way of saying I can't deal with this right now and I don't want to talk about it.
But I was wasting time today, and came across Richard Castle's blog. He gave me the best advice ever. ITS SO TRUE!
I don’t believe in writer’s block. I believe in writer’s embarrassment. That’s when you’re so embarrassed by the horrendous drivel you’re writing that you can’t bear to see it on the page. After all, you can always write something. I’ve discovered that giving yourself permission to write poorly is the gateway to writing well. It may not be good, it may not make sense, but that’s okay. After enough pages of meaningless drivel, your brain will uncover something interesting, and before you know it, you’re off and writing again.
I’ve also discovered that writing about why you can’t write allows you to discover what’s holding you back. Once you know what’s holding you back, you can face the problem and solve it.
This last part seems especially important. Maybe when I finally sit down to write again, I'll start with that.
Leave it to me to take advice from a fictional character!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Two Line Tuesday
I'm still reading Diana Gabaldon, because I got distracted and read a few books on my new kindle. (dance of joy) but, I picked it up again, and this passage struck me. I wanted to share it. This is from Dragonfly in Amber.
"I always thought it would be a simple matter to lie wi' a woman," he said softly. "And yet...I want to fall on my face at your feet and worship you"-he dropped the towel and reached out, taking me by the shoulders-"and still I want to force ye to your knees before me, and hold you there with my fingers tangled in your hair, and your mouth at my service...and I want both things at the same time, Sassenach."
And here are my two lines, which in retrospect should've gone first, after those two lines!
The house wore its desolation like a shroud. Wind torn and weather beaten, she stood defiant against years of abuse. Alex could relate. In that moment, she knew why people stayed, why they staked a claim, and called four walls home. Until that moment, Alex hadn't believed in the word home.
Women of Mystery has more two lines. Check em out. Submit some of your own, even.
"I always thought it would be a simple matter to lie wi' a woman," he said softly. "And yet...I want to fall on my face at your feet and worship you"-he dropped the towel and reached out, taking me by the shoulders-"and still I want to force ye to your knees before me, and hold you there with my fingers tangled in your hair, and your mouth at my service...and I want both things at the same time, Sassenach."
And here are my two lines, which in retrospect should've gone first, after those two lines!
The house wore its desolation like a shroud. Wind torn and weather beaten, she stood defiant against years of abuse. Alex could relate. In that moment, she knew why people stayed, why they staked a claim, and called four walls home. Until that moment, Alex hadn't believed in the word home.
Women of Mystery has more two lines. Check em out. Submit some of your own, even.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Inspiration from a 2 year old.
I've survived the first two weeks of being a (Semi) stay at home Mom. Even though they both need constant attention, I relish the times that Steven crawls into my lap (or on top of my back or head!)
Even though Thomas still wants to be held at all hours of the day and screams every time I leave the room, I relish the times when I get to feed him, and we have that moment where our eyes lock and I realize that I will never have a connection with another human being like I have with my sons.
I've learned to appreciate the small things. Especially the things my two year old says!
Among the other normal things two year old's say like "no!" and "That's mine!" or "I want to do it myself!" my 2 year old says alot of stuff that makes me laugh. The most recent being "Ow! my twig and berries! I can't imagine where he learned that...but my husband has been spending an awful lot of time with him lately, so there's a clue.
He says a lot of things that make me proud.
"Mom, will you read me a book?"
"Mom, will you tell me a story?"
"That was a good story, Mom!"
Occasionally, he says things that make me in credibly sad:
When informing him that I had to go to work he replied, "Can you stay here with me for a little while?"
"No, baby, I have to go to work."
"Don't. Don't go to work."
For being 2 he's also extremely adept at telling me exactly how he feels.
"That makes me so happy!"
"That makes me so sad."
"You hurt my feelings."
But the other day He said something that inspired me. It was relevant for school, for writing, for life in general.
He was playing Wii. We have the resort game, and he loves to play the sword fight. One of his favorite is the one where hundreds of other "resorters" come at you and you have to fight them all.
All of a sudden he was screaming "No! No! No! Don't get me bad guy!" And he was swinging that wii remote like nobody's business! "Don't quit!" he says between breaths. He's screaming "Don't give up! Keep trying and you'll win! Don't Stop! Keep trying.
Suddnely with an exhilartion only a two year old could show, he turns to me and yells at the top of his lungs, jumping up and down, "Momma! I won. I kept trying and I won!"
And it occured to me that if we could all face our every day situations with the strength an resiliance of a two year old, how could we fail?
In the face of countless distractions, enumberal obstacles let us keep trying. Let us not give up, so that finally, we can say "I won!"
Even though Thomas still wants to be held at all hours of the day and screams every time I leave the room, I relish the times when I get to feed him, and we have that moment where our eyes lock and I realize that I will never have a connection with another human being like I have with my sons.
I've learned to appreciate the small things. Especially the things my two year old says!
Among the other normal things two year old's say like "no!" and "That's mine!" or "I want to do it myself!" my 2 year old says alot of stuff that makes me laugh. The most recent being "Ow! my twig and berries! I can't imagine where he learned that...but my husband has been spending an awful lot of time with him lately, so there's a clue.
He says a lot of things that make me proud.
"Mom, will you read me a book?"
"Mom, will you tell me a story?"
"That was a good story, Mom!"
Occasionally, he says things that make me in credibly sad:
When informing him that I had to go to work he replied, "Can you stay here with me for a little while?"
"No, baby, I have to go to work."
"Don't. Don't go to work."
For being 2 he's also extremely adept at telling me exactly how he feels.
"That makes me so happy!"
"That makes me so sad."
"You hurt my feelings."
But the other day He said something that inspired me. It was relevant for school, for writing, for life in general.
He was playing Wii. We have the resort game, and he loves to play the sword fight. One of his favorite is the one where hundreds of other "resorters" come at you and you have to fight them all.
All of a sudden he was screaming "No! No! No! Don't get me bad guy!" And he was swinging that wii remote like nobody's business! "Don't quit!" he says between breaths. He's screaming "Don't give up! Keep trying and you'll win! Don't Stop! Keep trying.
Suddnely with an exhilartion only a two year old could show, he turns to me and yells at the top of his lungs, jumping up and down, "Momma! I won. I kept trying and I won!"
And it occured to me that if we could all face our every day situations with the strength an resiliance of a two year old, how could we fail?
In the face of countless distractions, enumberal obstacles let us keep trying. Let us not give up, so that finally, we can say "I won!"
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Follow the Yellow Brick Road
That song has been in my head all day.
We're not even a week into the new year, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to manage everything in the coming year.
In 2010 We had some huge changes. We had another son, Thomas who is beautiful! but still keeping me up at night, I decided to go back to school to become a teacher, and then within the last few weeks I've decided to stay home with the kids during the day and work in the evenings. (And a 12 hour shift every Saturday) My husband lost over 100 pounds last year. I think the changes are good changes and I'm looking forward to seeing what the new year brings. But I do have a few regrets.
My reading and writing (anything not school related, anyway) really took a hit. I've missed just curling up with a good book without the words Go, dog, Go, or without hearing Mama, Mama, Mama, every 5 seconds. And I've missed writing. I've missed writing SO much!
I don;t know. I guess that's what new year's is about, looking over the past year and looking forward into the next.
These were a few of my resolutions last year.
*Making lists to help me stay focused. (I still make lists but my day revolves around Thomas and Steven so its hard to make a set schedule. Still a work in progress)
*Go to School (Yeah me! I got one!)
*Write every night. (School kinda took care of that. But this year I'm going to give up another hour of sleep to get it done. In Theory.)
*TV reviews. Yeah that didn't happen. Every one I wrote felt awkward and I was unsure of what I was doing. Plus it took WAY too much time. So maybe one day, but not now.
So this year, I really only have 1 resolution.
Follow the yellow brick road. Let life take me where its gonna take me.
Does that mean I won't have to work hard. Of course not. Dorothy did did a lot of skipping in her pretty red slippers.
When in doubt, I'll sing a song.
I'll meet new friends along the way, but I'll always be trying to get back to those who love me, who miss miss, who've made me, maybe even some who've broken me) I'll get back to those people who motivate me, who inspire me, who will never lie to me.
I'll resolve to forget the complicated and get back to black and white.
I'll follow the yellow brick road/ I may encounter a few flying monkeys along the way, maybe even a wicked witch or two...
But I'll stick to my path, and I won't stray. (Those damn poppy fields always look so inviting!)
I'll follow the yellow brick road, and I'll always remember that there's no place like home. Because in the end that's where all dreams begin, and where all dreams end.
Happy New Year!!!
We're not even a week into the new year, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to manage everything in the coming year.
In 2010 We had some huge changes. We had another son, Thomas who is beautiful! but still keeping me up at night, I decided to go back to school to become a teacher, and then within the last few weeks I've decided to stay home with the kids during the day and work in the evenings. (And a 12 hour shift every Saturday) My husband lost over 100 pounds last year. I think the changes are good changes and I'm looking forward to seeing what the new year brings. But I do have a few regrets.
My reading and writing (anything not school related, anyway) really took a hit. I've missed just curling up with a good book without the words Go, dog, Go, or without hearing Mama, Mama, Mama, every 5 seconds. And I've missed writing. I've missed writing SO much!
I don;t know. I guess that's what new year's is about, looking over the past year and looking forward into the next.
These were a few of my resolutions last year.
*Making lists to help me stay focused. (I still make lists but my day revolves around Thomas and Steven so its hard to make a set schedule. Still a work in progress)
*Go to School (Yeah me! I got one!)
*Write every night. (School kinda took care of that. But this year I'm going to give up another hour of sleep to get it done. In Theory.)
*TV reviews. Yeah that didn't happen. Every one I wrote felt awkward and I was unsure of what I was doing. Plus it took WAY too much time. So maybe one day, but not now.
So this year, I really only have 1 resolution.
Follow the yellow brick road. Let life take me where its gonna take me.
Does that mean I won't have to work hard. Of course not. Dorothy did did a lot of skipping in her pretty red slippers.
When in doubt, I'll sing a song.
I'll meet new friends along the way, but I'll always be trying to get back to those who love me, who miss miss, who've made me, maybe even some who've broken me) I'll get back to those people who motivate me, who inspire me, who will never lie to me.
I'll resolve to forget the complicated and get back to black and white.
I'll follow the yellow brick road/ I may encounter a few flying monkeys along the way, maybe even a wicked witch or two...
But I'll stick to my path, and I won't stray. (Those damn poppy fields always look so inviting!)
I'll follow the yellow brick road, and I'll always remember that there's no place like home. Because in the end that's where all dreams begin, and where all dreams end.
Happy New Year!!!
Friday, October 29, 2010
I like TV. I can't help it.
So I wanted to sneak a blog post in. But hope you're not expecting anything profound. But then again, maybe you're already used to not seeing anything profound when you find your way here. Either way I've got 3 papers coming up...profound is on its way. ha.
So I'm a little obsessive. If I read a book that I like, I suddenly find I have to read everything that that author ever wrote. If I see a TV show, and there is something about it that makes me LOVE IT. I watch it OVER and OVER and OVER again. I have a few obsessions, as you may already know. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Supernatural, just to name a few.
Today I'm going to enlighten you on my top 5 favorite TV shows. I know you probably couldn't care less, but what else is a blog for, but forcing your psychosis on all of your friends?
5. True Blood
I read the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris long before True Blood premiered on HBO, and honestly and not surprisingly the books are better. Being HBO they upped the sex and violence 10 fold. But I can't deny the sheer entertainment value. And to be fair they stay mostly with the storyline that I loved in the books. The supporting characters get their own storyline in the show and they come to VIVID life in the TV series.
4. Smallville:
I don't know if you know about my secret obsession with men who wear nerd glasses. Every time I see a man in big black socially awkward glasses I fall in love just a little bit. I can't wait till Superman gets his glasses full time.
As a show, I find it fascinating to see the Superhero that we know and love grow from an awkward 15 year old, working with super powers he doesn't know or understand.
And lets not forget Lex Luthor. Great villain. interesting to see his descent into darkness as well.
But I'd keep watching for years just to get a glimpse of Tom Welling in those glasses!
3. Dexter:
How Awesome do you have to be to write a serial killer that we can all root for. Than you Jeff Lindsay! Dexter was found in a storage shed when he was 3 years old covered and sitting in a pool of his mothers blood. The police officer who found him adopted him. Recognizing that Dexter was showing signs of being a sociopath, someone who cannot feel emotionally like the rest of us, his father decided to control the impulse instead of deny that it was there. He taught Dexter how to fake it in society and how to pick his victims. Murders and rapists that had somehow slipped through the cracks in the justice system.
Each episode builds and builds and builds, getting more intense, with Dexter having more to loose, until the final episode of the season that always leaves you tingling, sometimes with your mouth hanging open and wishing you could skip the summer just to see what happens next.
I haven't actually read the books yet, but they are definitely on my list.
2. Supernatural:
What can I say about this show? As if looking at the boys wasn't even to make you watch, they've got that bad ass car. And then there are the monsters which are actually scary enough to give you the wiggins. Seriously!
The show is also about family ties. The bond between the two brothers is touching and a little crazy. Not to mention that its the most quotable show in the world. For example: Sam: Dude, you're confusing reality with porn again, or PUDDING! or "Oh my God, I'm Pattinson!" And then there's that time when Dean screams like a girl "That was scary!" Or "The whistle makes me their god! I could go on and on but its better if you watch for yourself.
1. Buffy The Vampire Slayer/Angel
Last but definitely not least. Everything about this show is sheer genius.
This is also a monster of the week show, but each monster represents something real that teenagers go through. The idea that High School is hell is definitely something that I can relate to.
The characters are unique: they have their own way of dressing, and their own dialogue.
Its also the only show that can make me laugh and cry in the same episode. The only show that can do a musical episode and make it work (before Glee came along, of course) The only show that can have an episode of television with more than half of the episode without dialogue. And the only show that can make you feel SO intensely without the help of background music. Joss Whedon can create an episode that is completely in dream sequences of the main characters.
The main characters make mistakes, and when they do, they have to pay for them.
The things that man can do with the power of words. But don't take my word for it. You have to see to believe.
Check them out if you've got a little spare time. Tell me what you think.
So I'm a little obsessive. If I read a book that I like, I suddenly find I have to read everything that that author ever wrote. If I see a TV show, and there is something about it that makes me LOVE IT. I watch it OVER and OVER and OVER again. I have a few obsessions, as you may already know. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Supernatural, just to name a few.
Today I'm going to enlighten you on my top 5 favorite TV shows. I know you probably couldn't care less, but what else is a blog for, but forcing your psychosis on all of your friends?
5. True Blood
I read the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris long before True Blood premiered on HBO, and honestly and not surprisingly the books are better. Being HBO they upped the sex and violence 10 fold. But I can't deny the sheer entertainment value. And to be fair they stay mostly with the storyline that I loved in the books. The supporting characters get their own storyline in the show and they come to VIVID life in the TV series.
4. Smallville:
I don't know if you know about my secret obsession with men who wear nerd glasses. Every time I see a man in big black socially awkward glasses I fall in love just a little bit. I can't wait till Superman gets his glasses full time.
As a show, I find it fascinating to see the Superhero that we know and love grow from an awkward 15 year old, working with super powers he doesn't know or understand.
And lets not forget Lex Luthor. Great villain. interesting to see his descent into darkness as well.
But I'd keep watching for years just to get a glimpse of Tom Welling in those glasses!
3. Dexter:
How Awesome do you have to be to write a serial killer that we can all root for. Than you Jeff Lindsay! Dexter was found in a storage shed when he was 3 years old covered and sitting in a pool of his mothers blood. The police officer who found him adopted him. Recognizing that Dexter was showing signs of being a sociopath, someone who cannot feel emotionally like the rest of us, his father decided to control the impulse instead of deny that it was there. He taught Dexter how to fake it in society and how to pick his victims. Murders and rapists that had somehow slipped through the cracks in the justice system.
Each episode builds and builds and builds, getting more intense, with Dexter having more to loose, until the final episode of the season that always leaves you tingling, sometimes with your mouth hanging open and wishing you could skip the summer just to see what happens next.
I haven't actually read the books yet, but they are definitely on my list.
2. Supernatural:
What can I say about this show? As if looking at the boys wasn't even to make you watch, they've got that bad ass car. And then there are the monsters which are actually scary enough to give you the wiggins. Seriously!
The show is also about family ties. The bond between the two brothers is touching and a little crazy. Not to mention that its the most quotable show in the world. For example: Sam: Dude, you're confusing reality with porn again, or PUDDING! or "Oh my God, I'm Pattinson!" And then there's that time when Dean screams like a girl "That was scary!" Or "The whistle makes me their god! I could go on and on but its better if you watch for yourself.
1. Buffy The Vampire Slayer/Angel
Last but definitely not least. Everything about this show is sheer genius.
This is also a monster of the week show, but each monster represents something real that teenagers go through. The idea that High School is hell is definitely something that I can relate to.
The characters are unique: they have their own way of dressing, and their own dialogue.
Its also the only show that can make me laugh and cry in the same episode. The only show that can do a musical episode and make it work (before Glee came along, of course) The only show that can have an episode of television with more than half of the episode without dialogue. And the only show that can make you feel SO intensely without the help of background music. Joss Whedon can create an episode that is completely in dream sequences of the main characters.
The main characters make mistakes, and when they do, they have to pay for them.
The things that man can do with the power of words. But don't take my word for it. You have to see to believe.
Check them out if you've got a little spare time. Tell me what you think.
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