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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Welcome to the Black Hole of Despair

I've been dreading this post.

I don't know what to say. And what I do have to say seems so insignificant in the whole scheme of things.

I don't understand this life. I don't understand it at all.

I don't understand how one moment a man could kiss his wife and child goodbye and head of to work thinking everything was going to be okay and the next he's in a wheelchair, paralyzed and unable to speak. No longer physically able to pick up his child and hug her, or tell her that he loves her.

I don't understand how someone could survive the loss of their child (at 4, at 10-does it really matter?)

I don't understand how a woman can have so much love in her heart that she wants to care for someone else's child. I don't understand how her best friend could destroy that dream.

I don't understand how a man can celebrate his life on vacation one day, and the next mourns the loss of everything he owns.

I don't understand how I'm supposed to congratulate one friend on her engagement while consoling the other on an unexpected pregnancy termination.

I don't understand how I'm exempt from all of these things.

I'm a Cancer, so naturally I'm sensitive but I don't think anyone knows to what extend I feel these things.

I feel like I'm in the eye of a storm. I'm safe. I'm in my home, I have my legs, I have a husband whose never broken my heart... I have a son who is beautiful and healthy. And I don't deserve any of it.

I'm in the eye of a Tornado, but the wind is whipping me around, the debris is slashing me. It's cutting me to the bone.

Thank you, God, for everything you've given me. Thank you, God, for sustaining me, for protecting me-Thank you, God, For blessing me.

1 comment:

Crystal Phares said...


You are one of the most caring people I know.

You made me an offer once a while back that took my breath away. I don't know anyone else in the world that would have done that for me. Just being around you makes me a better person, a better writer, a better wife, and someday I hope a better mother. You make me a happier, healthier individual.

You do so much for everyone, almost to the extent that you neglect yourself.

I understand the hurts, and know where you are coming from. Don't let them hold you back from the greatness I know is inside you.

If you can't work on Alex, work on hockey. If you can't work on either, just sit and journal about Steven and how amazing your life is.

Because, you are TRULY blessed. I know it doesn't always feel like it, but you are. And no one in the world holds that against you.

Whenever you want/need to talk, laugh or brainstorm, let me know and we will get together.

love ya!