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Friday, January 23, 2009

I wasn't going to write today, because of the way I'm feeling. But I remember a promise I made to write (cough*cough) everyday, no matter what

Today is one of the days I was talking about, I woke up sad. By the time I dropped Steven off at the sitter's, I was in tears. I didn't stop until about 30 minutes before work.

I don't know about you, but explaining what depression feels like to someone who doesn't suffer from it, is not easy. Make it your distraught husband who is suddenly worried about the number of guns he has in the house and it becomes a nightmare.

I was diagnosed with depression a long time ago, when I was still in college. And again when My father passed away.

Once when things got really bad, I packed a bag and didn't tell anyone I was leaving. I was gone for 3 days. Granted I was at my moms house, So I didn't disappear completely. But at my worst, I'd be driving and wonder what would happen if I just turned the wheel enough to head into ongoing traffic. Who would notice? Would it make any difference at all?

I felt that way again this morning, not with the ongoing traffice, but really who would care if I wasn't around. Wouldn't they be better off without me anyway?

I put a lot of pressure on myself to be strong. I hate feeling weak, of feeling incapable of anything. I've felt completely lost lately. Mediocre things have become extremely difficult for me to handle. I can't focus, I can't concentrate. I could be told something one minute and the next completely forget what I was supossed to be doing.

Maybe it's time to admit that Ineed more help than just allowing it pass on it's own. Does succumbing to medication make me weak? What do you think?

6 comments:

Travis Erwin said...

I think we all need help from time to time and there is no shame or weakness in accepting it. Also know that there are lots of us who would care if you turned that wheel, so don't hesitate to pick up the phone should you ever need anything.

huddlekay said...

Thanks,Travis

Crystal Phares said...

You'd better believe that I care! I know exactly how you feel and I am always there for you.

Anonymous said...

K - You are one of my best friends and confidants! I would miss you terribly. I am not good at letting those people around me know what they mean to me on a regular basis. I am sorry I have failed you in that. Call if you need me - any time day or night! I know your Dad would want you to be happy in your life. Get that help. There is no shame or weakness in knowing and doing what is best for you! - Sarah

ilovechefwilliam said...

Hey Karin,
When I started meds I thought I was weak and that I couldn't be myself.. and it would change me. It was one of the best things I have done! Good luck in all that you do! You are an amazing writer and I hope you don't mind that I become one of your followers ;) If you ever need anything, just let me know.

Barbara Martin said...

I've been where you are many years ago. The key is to see the light and beautiful things around you. Give all your fears and worries to the divine, and by releasing them they will truly disappear. Then you can get on with your life.