Yesterday I blogged about why I write. Today I'm going to continue with Castle's advice and write about what's holding me back. When i sat down to write, all I could think about were the excuses I use to get off doing any number of things, really. But especially writing. But my husband lost 100 pounds last year and I tell myself I'm going to do the program and then I just... don't. so "diet" and exercise are right up there with the writing. Add cleaning house and schoolwork to the mix, and these excuses pretty much cover them all.
I thought about not posting this. It's awfully personal, and leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable. But I remember, a post a while back where I said, I wasn't going to be afraid of vulnerability, where I was going to post how I felt, no matter what. And then I thought of the doctor's office. If you have something that needs to be fixed, they have to expose that vulnerable part of you. They have to reveal that weakness before they can fix the problem. So, I'm going to leave this out there, for the whole world to see. Maybe, if you know I'm having a hard day, you can send a shout out to me, give me a little encouragement. I could use all the help I can get.
Here's a list of things I tell myself at least once a day (Sometimes, once an hour)
10. I'm too old. Bullshit, I'm in the prime of my life. If I keep saying this, pretty soon I'll be saying, "You remember back in the day, when I used to write?"
9. I'm too tired. Yeah, and you'll still be tired tomorrow. suck it up and do it.
8. I'm too fat: To go dancing, To go to a party, to go anywhere where people might actually see me. To work out. Too fat to work out? Seriously. None of these make any sense whatsoever!
7.I'll do it later: I said that 2 years ago and I'm still in the same place I was then. "Do it later" is just another way to say don't do it at all.
6. I deserve it: I don't deserve to be thin. I don't deserve to be successful (Even if successful is finishing the novel, or losing 10 pounds, or finishing the semester on a high note...) I don't deserve to have the things that make me happy.
5. Who do you think you are? You'll never be more than this.
4. You are not smart enough
3. Not good enough
2. not strong enough
1. I just can't do it
Some of these things are easier to dispute then others, but I'm going to try to talk myself into things more than I talk myself out of them. Old habits die hard, but i have many that need to be put to rest.
So the answer to what's holding me back from writing (or workingout, or school)
Nothing but little ol' me.
5 comments:
Dear Lord,
I come to you now not on my own behalf but that of my friend Karin. Please help Karin see that she is your creation, made in your image. She is your daughter. Teach her that you created the person she is, was and will be. Show her how to use the talents you bestowed upon her. And teach her the confidence she needs to be proud to be yours!
In your holy name - Amen
Steve - I ask that you intercede on behalf of your daughter to our gracious Lord. Ask that he guide and strengthen Karin. - Amen
Karen, I will admit that this is the first time that I have read any of your writings. You are such a gifted writer!! You have such a way of putting exactly how you feel on paper (per say). I loved this blog post, and I feel the same way about myself most of the time too. Let me know if I can encourage you in any way!
Kristen
Wow, Sarah. Thanks. That was really powerful. Looks like God gave you a few gifts of your own!
Karin I know you can do this. I believe in you. I wish I could just be half of the writer that you are.
Love you
Here's a secret of mine... I feel the exact same way. Here is an even bigger secret.... I look at you and you inspire me. I would never EVER have guessed that you feel this way. You are a strong, amazing woman with two beautiful children and a husband who loves you. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING! I believe in you. I've been there during your writing process, and you have an amazing mind and you are incredibly creative. I know we haven't seen a lot of each other lately, but maybe we need to change that. Maybe we just need to get together for an hour once a week (or every other week) and just write, just be quiet and alone (together) and write. And if that doesn't work out, then when you get down and discouraged call me, and maybe I can do the same.
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